


And I Feel Like A Stray

by RushingHeadlong



Category: Queen (Band), Smile (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29412552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RushingHeadlong/pseuds/RushingHeadlong
Summary: When Tim's latest musical project falls through, he finds himself reevaluating everything he thought he wanted from his life.
Relationships: Brian May/Tim Staffell/Roger Taylor
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14
Collections: Tim Staffell Appreciation Weekend 2021





	And I Feel Like A Stray

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tim Staffell Appreciation Weekend 2021. Title from Tim’s song “Stray” from his first solo album.
> 
> I love poly!Smile but there’s so little content for them outside of Smile-era fics which I think is a real shame. This was an attempt at exploring what that relationship could look like in later years, and why Tim might still choose to leave music even if money wasn’t a concern. Tim’s distinction of jealousy vs envy in particular comes from several comments he’s made in interviews.

Tim doesn’t hear Brian and Roger when they arrive back home. He’s still on the phone with Richard Lightman - though, to be fair, he’s not really hearing what Richard is saying now either. He heard him break the news that, _“They’re not interested in releasing the album, Tim,”_ and his heart had plummeted, and everything else after that was just background noise. 

Richard says something about keeping in touch and Tim, somehow, manages to answer in kind. Then the line goes dead, just as someone wraps their arms around Tim from behind and plants a messy kiss on his cheek. The sudden contact startles Tim and he jumps slightly, and it takes Roger speaking for him to even be able to identify who’s touching him. 

“Tim! Hope you’re hungry, there’s been a slight change of plans and we’re eating out tonight!”

Tim sighs and tries to disentangle himself from his boyfriend’s embrace. “You two go ahead without me.”

“No, come on! Join us!” Roger, laughing, keeps clinging onto Tim. From his position he can’t see the stormy expression on Tim’s face and it’s clear that his own high spirits are keeping him from picking up on the other cues that Tim is _really_ not in the mood for this right now. 

“My single just broke into the Top Ten,” Brian chimes in from somewhere behind them. “We’re going out to celebrate.”

Tim can hear in Brian’s voice just how happy he is and normally Tim would be happy for him too. Despite his moments of envy about Queen’s popularity he is genuinely proud of what his boyfriends have achieved with their careers, and he’s well aware that their own success is just about the only thing that’s let him continue with his own musical projects for as long as he has. God knows his piecemeal session work and meager royalty checks aren’t enough for him to live on…

Right now, though, in the wake of yet _another_ of his album attempts falling apart, the only thing Tim is feeling is an incredible amount of bitterness.

“Oh, really?” he says sarcastically. “What is this now, like _dozenth_ time that’s happened for you?”

That gets Roger letting go of Tim and turning him around to face them. “The fuck is that supposed to mean, Tim?” Roger asks, clearly confused.

“It means maybe we don’t need to throw a fucking party every time one of your songs hits the charts!” Tim snaps. Over Roger’s shoulder he sees Brian flinch and Tim feels a momentary pang of guilt, though it quickly disappears when Roger keeps talking.

“We’ve _always_ celebrated each other’s successes-”

“We’ve always celebrated _your_ successes,” Tim cuts in. “Because god fucking knows I haven’t had any lately myself!”

“That’s not an excuse to take your frustrations out on us!” Roger snaps, a hint of anger now starting to color the edges of his words.

Brian sets a hand on Roger’s shoulder. “Rog, don’t-”

“No, but Queen charting _again_ also isn’t an excuse to make demands of me and my time regardless of what’s happening in my own life!” Tim snaps back. 

Roger’s anger disappears as quickly as it had come on, leaving just a look of concern - and something far too similar to pity for Tim’s tastes - in his eyes instead. “Tim, is everything okay?” he asks. 

Tim pushes past his boyfriends. “Yeah, see, next time you should try leading the conversation by asking how I’m doing.”

Roger tries to grab Tim to stop him from leaving but Brian pulls Roger’s arm back down against his side, lacing their fingers together and preventing him from interfering as Tim grabs his coat and shoves his feet into his shoes. 

Out of the two of them, Brian has always been better at knowing when Tim really needs some space and when it’s alright for one of them to coax him into sticking around. So Tim isn’t surprised that he’s holding Roger back, or that he quietly asks, “Where are you going?”

“Out,” Tim says vaguely, because truthfully he doesn’t know _where_ he’s going - he just knows that he needs to be away from Brian and Roger and their smothering success that permeates through every inch of the house, before he says something that he’ll _really_ regret. “You two go to dinner without me, I’ll be back later.”

“Do you promise that?”

Tim pauses to look back at Brian and Roger, both of whom are watching him with worried expressions, and despite the hurt still bubbling up inside him he manages to give them a lopsided smile as he says, “I promise. I just need to clear my head for a bit.”

Tim sets off down the street rather than taking one of the cars. He's too frustrated to be driving right now - too frustrated, in fact, to even really figure out _why_ he’s so worked up like this. 

Is it the fact that yet another one of his projects has failed before it's even gotten off the ground? It it the continued assumption from his boyfriends that he'll go along with whatever they have planned just because his own schedule is depressingly empty these days?

Neither of those things feel like they fully explain why he stormed out of the house like an angsty teenager, and Tim keeps mulling it over as he crosses the street and enters a nearby park. He's been frustrated with failed projects before, but even though working with Richard was great he didn't put his heart into Tailfeather like he had with other endeavors. And even if Tim wasn't in the mood for a celebratory dinner he is proud of Brian's success, so why couldn't he just tell him that? 

They agreed, when Tim left Smile and they talked about what that meant for their relationship going forward, that they'd support each other no matter what but Tim couldn't even do that tonight. And why not? It's not like he's jealous- 

Tim suddenly freezes as realization slams into him. "Oh," he says softly to himself, his eyes going wide as the pieces fall into place. 

He's not jealous of Brian and Roger... but he is envious of their success. It's a subtle distinction, but it's one that's allowed this to spiral out of control without Tim ever noticing before now that something was wrong. He’s been so focused on making sure that he doesn’t end up hating his boyfriends for finding success with Queen that he never realized that all the love he feels for them isn’t enough to stop him from being envious that they’ve achieved exactly what he’s always wanted.

He’s been competing with them without realizing it, throwing himself into musical projects just because they had a chance of being successful and not because he truly cares about them. The more Tim thinks about it, the more he realizes that he can’t even really remember the last time he truly enjoyed working on something. Maybe with Jonathan Kelly’s Outside, but they disbanded nearly two years ago now. 

Has it really been that long since Tim had _fun_ with his music? It doesn’t seem possible, but Tim can feel the truth of it like a heavy weight on his chest. He doesn’t enjoy the session work he takes on, but he does it just so he can get those meager checks and feel less like a burden on his boyfriends’ finances. He hates spending long hours in the studio slaving over tracks that he’s not excited about, and he’s always preferred his live performances - but even then he loathes the touring life, especially when none of his bands have made enough to even afford halfway decent accomodations on the road. 

Tim isn’t happy. Even with Brian and Roger supporting him financially and allowing him to continue with music for as long as he has, he isn’t happy in what he’s doing. And even worse is the knowledge that that support from his boyfriends has only been contributing to him feeling like he _must_ find a way to become successful himself, no matter what, so he can prove himself to the two people that he knows he shouldn’t have to prove anything to at all. 

It’s a dynamic that isn’t healthy and that Tim can’t let continue now that he’s aware of it. Something clearly needs to change here... Tim just needs to figure out _what_. 

It’s late by the Tim finally returns home. He made his decision but it’s one that weighs heavily on his heart, and he can’t say that he’s particularly looking forward to having this conversation with his boyfriends. He knows that Roger and Brian are bound to be worried about him but he doesn’t think he can handle discussing this with them tonight. He’s too exhausted for that, and all he wants to do is crawl into bed is forget about this for a few more hours.

He’s not surprised to find the lights still on in the house and when he opens the door he can hear the quiet sound of the telly playing in the living room, a tell-tale sign that his boyfriends are still awake. He finds them both curled up on the couch, Brian lying down with his head on Roger’s lap and Roger absentmindedly petting his hair. Roger is holding a book in his free hand and Brian seems to be watching whatever show is on, but Tim suspects that their thoughts are far away from the domestic scene in front of him. He lingers silently in the doorway for a moment, watching them with a faint smile, until Roger finally catches sight of him. 

“Tim! You’re back!” he says as he sets his book and glasses aside and Brian scrambles to quickly sit up. 

“Just like I promised I’d be,” Tim says as he walks into the room to join them. Brian scootches over, leaving the far end of the couch open for Tim, but Tim doesn’t sit down and his stomach twists with guilt when he sees Brian’s face fall. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I shouldn’t have run out on you like I did, I know that was pretty shitty of me. And I know I owe you an explanation but can we… Can we talk about this in the morning? Please?”

His voice cracks a little on the last word and both Brian’s and Roger’s faces immediately soften. 

“Yeah, of course,” Brian tells him. 

“As long as we really do talk about this in the morning,” Roger adds. There’s no edge to his voice but Tim still feels the weight of those words anyway. 

“We will,” Tim promises. “I’m just tired right now.”

God, he’s _so_ tired right now. 

That seems to be enough to placate Brian and Roger, at least for now. All three of them turn in for the night, and Tim is none-too-subtly coaxed into taking the middle of the bed. It’s a spot that he’s usually more than happy to let one of his boyfriends take but after disappearing for several hours like he did he can’t begrudge Brian and Roger for both wanting to be close to him tonight. 

And maybe it’s that closeness that helps Tim actually fall asleep, because he had expected to spend most of the night tossing and turning. Instead he wakes up in an empty bed late the following morning, feeling surprisingly well-rested. Most of his dread and anxiety from the night before is gone, and he’s more sure than ever of the decisions he made before returning home, even if he doesn’t know how well-received they’ll be by his boyfriends. 

He finds Brian and Roger sitting at the kitchen table, and judging by the empty plates in front of them they haven’t been awake for very long themselves. He greets them both with a brief kiss on his way over to the kettle, which thankfully still has some hot water in it so he doesn’t have to wait for tea. 

“D’you want breakfast?” Roger asks as Tim takes a seat at the table as well. “I can make you some toast, or some eggs-”

“I’ve eaten your attempts at eggs before, so no thank you,” Tim says, and he laughs as Roger aims an ineffective, and frankly half-hearted, kick at his shins underneath the table. 

“Fine. Starve for all I care,” Roger says lightly. He rests his chin on his hand and studies Tim for a moment before adding, “You seem to be in a better mood today, though.”

“I am, I think,” Tim says. “You caught me at a bad moment yesterday, but I still shouldn’t have reacted like I did.”

“Yeah well, I should’ve realized something was wrong sooner than I did,” Roger says. “And I know you just woke up, but…”

“But I still owe you an explanation, yeah, I know,” Tim finishes for him. 

Brian gives Roger a fairly pointed look and he says, “That doesn’t mean it has to be right now, though.”

“No, no, I’d rather get this over with,” Tim says quickly. “There’s… Actually, there’s a lot to get through. But to be honest, I’m not really sure where to start.”

“At the beginning?” Roger tries to joke. 

Tim lets out a small huff of laughter at that. “Right, great advice there, Rog.” He tightens his grip on his cup of tea as he thinks over everything he needs to say, and he finally says, “I guess it started just before you got home yesterday. Richard Lightman called me. The Tailfeather album isn’t being picked up.”

Brian’s eyes widen in sympathetic understanding. “And having my single shoved in your face was the last thing you needed after getting that news. I’m so sorry, Tim.”

“It’s not like you knew,” Tim says with a slight shrug. “But… Yes. The timing wasn’t the best, I’ll give you that.”

“Did Richard say anything about why they aren’t picking up the album?” Roger asks. “You could always try it with another label-”

“No,” Tim cuts in. “No, this is it for that project, I think.”

“It doesn’t have to be-” 

It’s Brian who interrupts this time, with just a gentle, “Rog,” enough to cut the drummer off. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Roger apologizes. “I’m not trying to meddle in your work, I’m just disappointed that this one didn’t work out for you. But hey, on to the next thing, right?”

Tim sighs and looks down at the table, away from Roger’s encouraging smile. “No. No, that’s the thing. There isn’t going to be another project now.”

There’s a beat of silence, and Tim can perfectly imagine the concerned looks that his boyfriends must be trading before Brian finally says, “Tim, what are you talking about?”

“I’m done,” Tim says. “I’m done with music, at least on any professional level. I’m done with the session work and the recording and everything like that.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit of an overreaction to one failed project?” Brian asks. 

“It’s not just one failed project though, is it?” Tim points out as he glances back up at Brian. “It’s like I said yesterday, I haven’t had _any_ success with my projects in a long, _long_ time now.”

“But music has always been your dream!” Roger says. “We can help-”

“No,” Tim says firmly. “No, Rog, that’s not going to help here. I realized after I stormed out yesterday that I’m not enjoying making music anymore. I’m not excited about my projects, I’m not having _fun_ with it anymore… I’ve lost sight of everything that I used to love about music, and throwing money at the situation isn’t going to fix that.”

“So you’re just going to walk away, is that it?” Roger snaps.

It’s clear that he’s frustrated and Tim can’t blame him for that, because he knows that this is seems like it’s coming out of nowhere, but that frustration is still the last thing Tim needs here. 

“Rog, I love you, but this isn’t your decision,” he says firmly. “And you getting mad at me now isn’t going to make this explanation any easier for any of us.”

Roger immediately deflates and he says, “Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not mad, I’m just… confused, I suppose.”

“I know, and I am going to explain this, but…” Tim sighs again, the exhale a bit shakier than it was before. This was the easy part of the conversation, after all. The rest of this is going to be much messier and much more difficult for his boyfriends to hear. 

Brian reaches over and gently touches Tim’s hand, and Tim lets go of his cup of tea so he can properly hold Brian’s hand. Brian gives it a gentle squeeze and he says, “Take your time, Tim. Like you said, this is _your_ decision and whatever you have to say here, we aren’t going to get upset at you.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” Tim says with a bit of a crooked smile. “Because the truth is… I’m envious of you two. I’m really, _really_ envious of your success. And all the projects I’ve worked on lately have been things that I thought could be successful too, instead of things that I actually cared about.”

Roger and Brian both look genuinely shocked to hear that and Tim waits with baited breath for one of them to say _anything_ in response. It takes a moment, but finally Roger does say, in a carefully measured voice, “How long have you been jealous of us?”

“I’m not _jealous_ of you. I’m _envious_ of what you have with Queen,” Tim says. 

“That sounds like you’re splitting hairs,” Roger points out. 

“Maybe, but it’s an important difference,” Tim says. “We agreed, when I left Smile, not to let jealousy get between us. The whole reason that it took me this long to realize what was going on was because I was so busy making sure that I wasn’t becoming jealous and bitter of you two on a _personal_ level, that I didn’t notice what that envy was doing to me on a _professional_ level. And I’m grateful for your support over the last few years, believe me, I really am. I know that without your money for Queen I never would have been able to continue in music for as long as I have-”

“But it does mean that no amount of money or resources we throw at you is going to fix this problem,” Roger says.

Tim nods. “Yeah. Exactly.”

Roger sighs and scrubs a hand over his face, but when he looks at Tim again he manages to offer him a lopsided smile. “Alright then. I can see why you’d want to take a step back. I’m so-”

“Don’t apologize. Seriously, please don’t apologize,” Tim interrupts before Roger can even finish that sentence. “This isn’t your fault. You’ve supported my dreams longer than anyone else ever would have, and I will _always_ be grateful for that. Making music professionally just…” He swallows roughly, and Brian gives his hand another squeeze. “It just isn’t meant to be for me.”

“Can I ask…” Brian starts, and when Tim glances back at him and gives a small nod he continues with, “Well, it’s just that you’ve said a few times now that you don’t want to do music _professionally_ anymore. But are you still planning on playing _casually_?”

“I’d like to, if I can find a way to enjoy it again,” Tim says. “Maybe play college gigs on the weekend, or something like that.”

Tim knows that Brian and Roger are the last people to judge him for these plans, but he can still feel his face start to grow warm with embarrassment as he speaks. It’s a testament to how much Tim has subconsciously been trying to prove himself to them for so long now that, in this moment, their status as internationally successful rockstars feels more significant than the simple fact that they're his boyfriends who have always just wanted him to be happy.

More than anything, that's why he needs to step back from professional music. Because Tim would rather give up on his dreams than try to continue down this path, and risk doing more damage to his relationship.

"I think that's a great idea," Brian says, completely sincere and without hesitation, and Tim breathes a small sigh of relief.

"And hey, this means you'll have more time to come along with us on tour too now!" Roger says, a little more excited now - but it's an excitement that slowly fades when Tim looks away again, and doesn't say anything, and Roger finally asks, quieter, "You don't want to do that, do you?" 

"I don't," Tim tells him. “I love you both _so much_ , you know that, but I can’t just follow you around while you work with Queen. I need to do something for myself. I need- I need to find myself again. Figure out who I am without music. Maybe get a job, or something.” He laughs, a little weakly, and adds, “It might be nice to take you out to dinner on my own dime for once, y’know?”

Both Brian and Roger flinch a little at that. Ever since Queen made it big it’s been a struggle to balance Tim’s lack of involvement in the band and the financial support that Brian and Roger now provide for him with the equality that their relationship has always been rooted in. They’ve had more than one conversation over the last few years about this, with arguments about Tim reorganizing his own schedule to better fit with Queen’s needs and both Brian and Roger growing frustrated when Tim balks at spending _their_ money on himself, no matter how many times they insist that it’s his money too. 

It’s an imbalance that was never malicious but was still somewhat unavoidable. It’s also an imbalance that’s undoubtedly contributed to Tim’s current dissatisfaction. He’s not sure where he’d be without their financial support, but he also knows that he wouldn’t have been driven to seek success to such a destructive degree if he hadn’t felt the need to prove to his boyfriends that their support hadn’t been in vain. 

But that’s a truth that Tim doesn’t need to voice aloud for Brian and Roger to understand and, at least for now, maybe it’s better if some things remain unsaid. 

“Hey, I won’t say no to you picking up the bill from time to time,” Roger jokes weakly. “Though, truth be told, Tim, I can’t really picture you working in a shop either.”

Tim laughs a little at that suggestion. “No, and I can’t either. But I do have my graphics degree and I’ve done enough album design over the years that I think I might be able to put together a decent portfolio. I don’t know whether anyone would actually hire me, but…”

“They’d be crazy not to,” Brian says. It’s the same sort of blind optimism and faith that he always had for Tim’s musical projects, and it’s a relief to hear it come through just as strong for the new path that Tim is going to explore now. 

Tim shrugs a little. “We’ll see, I guess.”

He lets go of Brian’s hand so he can finally take a sip of his tea, realizing a moment too late that it’s gone cold during the lengthy conversation. He makes a face and Brian laughs and stands up from the table, saying, “Here, I’ll make you a new cup.”

“Thanks,” Tim says. His stomach rumbles a little and he chuckles and adds, “Any chance you could make me some eggs too?”

“Hey! I offered you eggs before and you turned me down!” Roger reminds him. 

“Brian’s eggs are usually actually edible, though,” Tim points out. Roger pouts at him and Tim leans over to kiss his cheek in apology, and with Brian laughing in the background the three of them slip easily back into their usual domesticity. 

This isn’t the last conversation that they’ll have about this, Tim is sure of that, but for now he’s content to set the subject aside. The weight of walking away from music is still there but it feels lighter than it did last night, lessened now that he’s shared his decisions with his boyfriends. Whatever comes next, whatever that may be, Tim is ready to face it, still supported by the two people who have always had his back. 


End file.
